BDP | scully's Blog

Or Borderline Personality Disorder. 

Chronic feelings of emptiness, being unloved and unlovable, anger. Too emotional (even if it's inside mostly, it's real). Addictions. Fragilized image of self. Self-harm. So here I am. I have a BDP. 

Not neurotic, not psychotic, but in between. And in the time, it's got nothing to do with the first or the second, it's a proper state, a PD, personality disorder. I built myself on it, grew like that. Childood mistreatements (emotional, psychological, some physical abuses, at school too, for being leftie), especially from birth to 10, and then my mother's death at 11, are for the greatest part in to what I am (emptiness, unloved, anger). My "uncertain" identity stems from I built myself not really knowing who I am. My origins my father. Heard something on one side, then another thing on the other side. That from here, this from there. But It's a life of doubt. 

Paradoxically, my strenght, although I'm reserved and do go naturally to people, is my deep social conscience and compassion. It's my balance. And I practice a reorganization of my life, getting up earlier, getting to bed earlier, do things I like to do "force" myself. To never start having psychotic traits. Meds help me to sleep. I'm not as insomnia as I used to be. I' willing to go with my therapy. That way, it fits. 

I'm ven between being altruist and selfish. I made it. I was very altruist before, became selfish with all the hate and ignorance I received back to my kindness. And now I've found my balance. 

So I chose life, and the treatment and help I'm offered. I chose the efforts, though it's hard, getting up is hard, do my stuff is hard. Some days, it's just impossible. But I try further. I quit alcohol definitely, as it's not good for me, worse than for someone "normal". 

I do not have a depressed personality. It's a comorbidity. Not sure it's the same thing for anxiety. My BDP would stem from a complex PTSD (post-traumatic-syndrome-disorder), meaning I lived too many hard things, abuses for too long and too young to cope correctly now, with other situations, too. 

But I'm angry. I'm choosing the best of what I can, but I'm angry. I didn't choose to live the abuses, and now I'm punished with lifelong impairments. I pay for what I was done, not for what I have done. How do you want me to honestly say I love people then? I try to take people individually, but some days, I just want silence, or music. These days I try not to be as hard on myself. mid days, I try to help others and think positive, and good days, well, just good days, I try to enjoy, and let others enjoy (there're not so many of them for now, but I passed more on the mid days than bad days).