This evening, I cut | scully's Blog

I cut myself. I haden't done it in 8 years. I have an psychiatrist appointment today, an inauguration, a diner, am I just nuts? How am I onna tell my partner? Will I tell? It's so private. I don't want to share that. I want to cut more. I cut my right arm. I'm nuts, it shows. I'll cut legs, belly instead. I just want to do it again. I don't really know why. I feel less empty, more in control? Maybe I've felt empty from abandonement, but I do so well alone, I don't want to depend on anyone. I've felt not really in control not enough, I feel the state and the world more in control of me than myself. I need lots of independence. And it's not enough. I don't want to offend the law of the society, but hear it when I say I can't breathe. All these years. And for some months the therapy, the meds. It's all fuckes. or it's geting out of my body in the end? I hope it's a passage. I guess I'll wear long sleeves tomorrow. I'm so ashamed of me. Like usually, outside I'm bloody cold and in control and inside it's like a chaos. Most of people are in control, or not. but me. I feel weird. Just like this afternoon, I went at the bank to take an appy, and my counselor told I was atypical, for my third name use; and maybe my clothes, or my hearphones, I don't know. Hurt others is impossible, it's a crime, but hurt myself is normal. It's deserved. but no rationally, I've done nothing to deserve what I do to myself. The thing is, I don't want to die.