Crossroad | scully's Blog

I am here. 

I don't so much care about who's my father after all. I'm registered, file number at the key, for an exam on October 23, and I'll know it's going to be alright. I don't need a father. I don't need a partner, and it's the more painful, because losing my parter would cut the half of me empty for the rest of my life. I need no one. To work. To move. to do. I need to live, to love, to cry. 

My family is trying to grab me. It seems. but I've been walking without them since I was very young, and when I say very young, I don't mean 20, I mean more 10. I choose the people around me very carefully, and it won't change. My trust is worth it, and it's no superficial relationship to have. I read my aunts. I don't know. They take me for an idiot or what? A picture can prove who's my father, who're my parents? My eyes? Then everybody since I was 13 have been telling me I've got Gillian Anderson's eyes, does it make of her my mother? QUIT your delirium guys, not me. No pics have even proved somone family's relation. Only DNA can.

Well, I still feel very empty. But in the same time, I need no one. It's weird feeling to experience. In the same time I feel lost, because I think I don't have my proper story or name/identity, and in the same time I feel very confident, I can't say I really have a social phobia. It's more than we're definitely not interested in the same thing, the mass, and me. I don't recognize me in them, I don't spend time with them. I save my time, my heakth, my nerves. Logic, no? I spend TOO much time alone? What does it mean? TOO much time for whom? I feel perfectly okay that way. I'm 200% independent, and it's not necessarily a gift. Because you always need to be social one way or the other. I think I could envy the real Scully, because even in her work time, she's free, with Mulder, but I don't, because I know I'll make it BIG TIME.