Some things to say | scully's Blog

"This is not my job anymore Mulder", like the real Scully would say. 

I've got things to say, lo lay, today. 

I was said that I am self-centered, and to be very clear, to some point, I am. Fox says of me I'm generous. But because he's less than me; but he was really less before. Before we met. Like I didn't know how to hold my money account properly before I knew him. We do learn from each others, concretely, and others. So I'm not self-centered in terms of money, or time (though I need lots of time alone). But with my emotions and pain, and love I am. that doesn't mean it's not real, just that it doesn't show. But to people, to me it takes time. I won't change that, because I need that minimum to work correctly. 

I'm in a very stress today. So I took (a little) alcohol to drink. Papers, and papers, and papers. I ran when I got up to have things done. I'll be certainly accepted a prolongation of sick leave, to six months more. When I received the papers to fill in, I had panics. I felt guilty, guilty to be in sick leave, guilty to be sick, guilty not to be strong enough, not enough, never enough. Crazy no? But true. The papers said nothing bad to me, nothing bad about me, it's just a procedure, and I do know it! I consciously know it, but feelings are stronger than that. They come from very deep inside, from ages, dark ages like I say, what we don't know or don't remember. Or both. I sent all that was needed, did all that was needed, even went to see the doctor. Tension: 10,6. It's a little law, but I take antidepressants. But it's little law still. Because I was nervous when I got there. I expected 11,7, more. I'm about 12,7-8 naturally. I hold on, really, to that all, just days I'm just, just....

They were great everywhere I've been today. I feel like I don't deserve. I'm a wreck, and be thrown to the trash. I hurt a lot. Sometimes physically too. But I know at least the half of the Earth hurts more than I do. Just the thought of it. I feel a ball in my throat and stomach nearly all the time. My doc says it's anxiety/anguish. Yeah I know that. But thinking about it, I want to retch. So I hold on, I don't have the right to do anything else. I don't have the right to make more mistakes now. I drank already. I'm not proud of it, really not. I don't drink day-time usually, it's the first time. But I wanted to cut myself. I think I chose the better. Because I KNow how cutting is addictive. Alcohol I don't use it daily mostly because Fox is there around,a lot, and I owe him that. He's patient, kind, generous, so positive. Sometimes it's like he's on speed, he's quite nervous. But it's cool, because I'm very slow of nature, low-key. It's a sort of balance. 

This is not my job anymore to worry for EVERYBODY ANYTIME on ALL Earth. I can't do that. It'll take time before I don't feel guilty anymore. But I need to do that. I care enough. I can't do it all. No one can. 

Thank you to all people who wished me my birthday: Fox, Coco, Flo, Marjorie, Katia, Scarlett, Ben, Julie, Rose-Marie, Fanny, François, Marie-Christine, Gull, Gaby, Analisse, Sabrina, Aurore, Fredo, Sarah, Alex, Claude, Tasco, Franck, Ivana, Pierre, David, Audrey, Jean-Noel, Marie, Huguette, Simon, Frohike, Lucas ... THANK YOU!!!!