Exorcise myself | scully's Blog

Okay that video is very difficult for me to watch. It's a special passage of Bleak House, the TV series made after the Charles Dickens tragedy. 

Err... I've felt like an adoptee since my teens. It's mostly a gut feeling, though some things have made me feel these gut feelings. Anyway, I saw that twice, once when it aired some years ago. I was following it with my Londoner friends mostly, and some other UK friends. They were all devastated when they saw it, were shocked, cried. And I said nothing. I didn't feel like them. I'm always in control. But I puked my guts out. I feel it so deeply, it's unexplainable. 

I was told my birth certificate could be very well be an adoptee certificate with my adoptive parents on it, as my bio parents. but just the fact I was unwanted by my parents make me feel I can't logically  be an adoptee. Also, my legal father may not be my bio father. So I live in the doubt.  I just feel like one very strongly. 

There's one thing that always made me doubt. It's the fact that my grand-mother (mother side), NEVER missed the birth of ANY of her grand-childrens (she had 6). There with her daughters, waiting at the hospital and all. BUT for me. And when I asked why, she said she was at a thermal stuff. I mean, I was said to have been borne on the right day, couldn't she have booked two even just two weeks after? When I asked, I had just the silence for an answer. 

I feel extremely empty in my life, although I'm not alone, although I'm followed medically. It's so profound I think it's because I don't know everything yet, and I haven't touched the bottom of it yet. Scary. Because I thought I already had. I mean, I nearly died already. 

Enough thoughts for now.