News today | scully's Blog

I went to my appointment with the psychiatrist today. I've felt down and irrtable, sleep bad and toultoutim for about a week. I realized some things today in her office. Something good, I tell her everything, how I really feel, I was a bit afraid I won't be able to do that, I told her about my drinking of yesterday. Then, I put lots of pressure on myself when I'm not in her office. I pretend constantly that I'm fine, and I take on myself not to show anything. Especially with my partner, because he's got his problems already, I'm not gonna put mine on his shoulders, plus I don't want to depend on him, that he thinks I can't make it alone. I realized that as objective I see the situation, I know that people don't do it against me personally, I still feel like if they did. Like, I saw my psychologist May, 18, and won't see him before June, 10. I tell myself it's because he can't, that's all, and I DO know it's the right explanation, still, I can't help feeling it as a rejection. I feel a general fed-up stuff, to invest myself emotionally a lot, and to have no result. About the contacts I make to find WHICH man really is my father, I wrote to my legal father who wanted to rape me and kill me, it asked me a lot lot lot, and to my aunt I haven't seen in 8 years. Why don't I "fight" HIM directly? Because it's not possible to fight with a ghost. For that I should at least catch him on the phone. I can't take to have no answer, from no one. I cried in her office, I didn't think it could ever happen to me. For the therapy she told me I started it a short time ago, and that it'll take more time, but that she will follow for crisis whiles like that. I thought I'd be soon gotten rid of the anxiolitics, but she raised it. I feel it like a failure. Although I sleep so bad I'll take it. I'll see her again on Tuesday, between two of her appointments. I'm in sick leave to the end of June. 

More personally, I realized that I like to watch  X-Files episodes when Mulder hugs Scully, or is kind to her. I'm not a shipper, I'm not saying it to defend myself or pretend the contrary of what is, I've always priviliged the stories and the ambiance, and always thought if the relationship grew too much, it would kill the stories. So why? Because that's what I need, and I identify to Scully. Because I must admit I am a lot like her. Believe me, individualist like I am, it's not something so easy to admit. I'm like her because I need that love and attention from my loved ones, and in the same  time I run away from it. I'm like her because I pretend I'm fine, and burst into sobs five seconds later. I hide my feelings to people around me, not to lie to them, but to be untouchable, the stronger, the more independent. I have similar emotional and psychological traits. Cold outside, soft inside. It's easier to identify because of the physical similarities, although there're few of them, but on TV, you're not used to seeing girls who look like Scully. The palor, the eyes, the hair, the height, and the serious face. And the reactions. That helps a lot to identify. I live by proxy through a fictional character that is a lot like me. These last years I've become more rude than she is, more provocative, and I think it's wanted, but unconsciously it's because I want to be different from her. I didn't realize I've become different from me. That character is a coincidence, but maybe a providence, and a might-be good tool. 

If I analyze  bit deeper (oh yeah something we have a lot in common), I see well why that behavior with Mulder, because of fathers issues. You just have to know where to look. 

So I'm disappointed, and in the same time relieved. I'll give more time to my therapy.