scully's Blog

I have lots of problems, money problems. I have filled in and sent all the paperwork needed, but they're not fast enough to answer. I don't know if I will get my payments in time to just surivive and keep my flat. I might be on the street very soon. God I never meant to be this. I feel forgotten. I've always done good in my life, or tried as much as I could. Why this all is happening to me? I have four cats, and we're gonna be on the street. I can't believe it, why, WHY? I don't know what else to do that kill myself. God will forgive me I hope, as I believe he loves everyone.

Hello all!

Life goes on. Basically I'm just trying to go on, and hold on. I have great problems of money right no, but i try to do all my paperwork for help, and I hope it'll work, I wouldn't want to find myself on the street... My cats are okay, except Nougat for her teeth, but she looks healthy. I go on with my appointments at the medical center, and it helps a bit. Still no news from Krycek, and honeslty, it may be weird but I don't miss him. I date guys, ut I don't really want to. I met a guy who's not for ma, at all. And I might cancel the next date. I thnk I already have my Mulder, although we're just friends. I'll go to work later, and then I'll have a day off. What will do some good. I don't what else to say. I'm a bit blue lately, but I'm hanging n there, that's all, see you all!

Hello all,


I just came back from my addictologist appointment. I came with a very black painting, but she always found that I work well, that my answers to problems are good, and that I'm a fighter. What isn't untrue. But I feel so tired and stressed in response to all that. It's like I have only problems lately. First I paid twice for the same bill on my neuf box (internet and phone), and I had to call for ten minutes to be understood. normally the problem is solved. I have to write back to them to change my way to pay. Again, more paperwork. I have to make my file for the handicaped aid, and Im not even sure it's gonna work, so I have anguishes. My addictologist told me there is no reason that it's denied, because I'm supported both by a psychiatrist and a social worker. Yeah, I try to get help with everything now. See my addictologist makes me lots of good. She brings me other perspecive on life. I try to identify my emotions, as she asked me to do it so. And I can answer more properly to situations. But it's not won yet. I drink really less. Just two or three glasses of wine on saturday evenings. Still one kilo lost, but at least, I don't gain weight. She also told me that I have lots of interests and activities, that I still work. That for her, I have a good working, even though it asks me lots of energy. So for her it's rather positive, and I shouldn't go too fast, because the change must be in the lenght.

But my more anguishes are about money problems. I have little money left aside, and I have to spend a lot. My cat Nougat has got serious teeth problems. I had to bring her in emergency to the vet, thinking she was losing her teeth. It was all very red. The vet told me she will have to extract her back teeth. She'll be able to eat then without problems normally, better than with the rotten teeth. She gave her antibiotics and antiinflammatories so far. All this is costing me lots of money. Plus the rent, plus the charges. And the food. I don't know how I'm gonna make it.

No news from Krycek. Since he left, he must be on his own. But it's not my problem anymor. I can't take care of everyone's problems. I have my own problems to solve. And since he's gone, I feel really better. No money to adavnce, less electricty and water spent. Less money spent on the food. Less stress because he was sleeping all day and I couldn't listen to y music or sing. Less stress because I can use my internet whenever I want. Less cleaning to do. I feel like home. Which is rather normal because I AM home.

Happily I have good friends, online, and in real life. I'll make a little karaoke at home on next saturday. And I had a friend on the phone yesterday evening, we talked for a while and it was good. I also talked to online friends, in english like I love, and it did good to talk about something else than just problems.

Also, I met a guy, online, he doesn't live so far from here. He looks to be shy, but I wrote to him, to tell him I'd like to know him better. So far he hasn't been online for a while, so he didn't read it. But he's interesting, a geek, smart and kind. He's got a mulder-like attitude on his picture, and a bit of his traits and eyes. But I don't want to go too fast and make stories. For  now nothing happened.

Well, that's all for today. Still waiting for news about my name change. Have a good week all!

Hello all,

I'm gonna go to work in some minutes. I really don't wanna go. i'm so fed up with that job. I feel pressure, boredness and anugishes just thinking about it. My job isn't considered as sooo anoying, but I am. I'm still on treatment and therapies, but it's not enough anymore. I have work on progress for this year. I have to lose lots of weight, quit drinking, quit smoking, and quit spending so much. I started that all as a new resolution, but now, it's so so. I eat healthier, I really drink less, but I drank some wine of friday, and saturday. I see my addictologist tomorrow morning, and my only pride will be that I lost one kilo... in nine days... wow....

Another part of my life is loneliness. I dn't care too much about it in fact, because I live it rather well. But I had to fire Krycek from my apartment. I had given him the shelter for more than three months last summer, but in fact he was still and always at home, although he's got his own flat now. He took me for granted. I advanced him money he paid me off when he wanted, I did everything single thing at home, from the cleaning to buy the things, and he spent all his days in bed or on the pc. I couldn't take it anymore. Plus he was the kind of guy to think it was normal because he "mlistened" to me. Doesn't he think I, listened to him too? And tried to understand his illness (yeah he's bipolar). That doesn't excuse everything. I'm still a little angry. I shouldn't be, because it's me I hurt in the end.

Beside that I live with my four cats, peacefully now. I had to clean everything today, because Krycek, nearly never showered, and he left everything dirty after his passage. When I think I even went to the funerals of his half sister... for support. Me who hates properly funerals. I' mad at him. He should be the one to make apoligies.

Welcome in year 2012...

I'm gonna smoke a cig and then go.

Don't give up on your dreams, stay safe, don't drive drunk, and take good care of yourself!

Much love,

Dana

Someday everything looks to be ok, and you know that everything will be alright, whatever happens. Today I had the opportunity to get richer, in all senses of the term. First I won 130€ at the lottery. I spent 40€ for xmas. Then I realized I had lost my credit card. I forgot it at the money machine, and it swallowed it. But I've also got richer as a human being. On the 130€ I won, I gave 5€ to a lonely lady with a lovely cat wrapped in a blanket. It's not much. But I hope it will give her some courage, and maybe a better opinion on humans. I talked to her and carressed the cat. I kept the rest of the money to pay the charges, as I'm poor myself, and need to warm up the flat. If it's not for me, at least by respect for my cats. And then I went down my flat building, to throw to the recycling trash the dishes. Right in front there was this lady. I saw she was a homeless. We talked a little. She said it was such a shame the little xmas market didn't bring in more people, adding the quarter was only occupied by rich people. What isn't totally true. There are lots of modest people like me around here. Anyway she looked at me and said I wasn't a rich person myself. But I have a roof. And four beautiful cats. And good friends.

A lovely xmas to you all.

Hello all : )


These days I'm doing better after a long period in the darkness. I don't know if it's because I'll be in xmas holidays this evening, or if I'm well followed at the medical center. Indeed I have an addictologist now, and it's working very well for me. I only drink occasionally now. And apparently I don't have the habbits of a big smoker, and as I had already quit for 6 years, it'll be easier to quit again, as she told me the body will remember it. Same for the spending. No alcohol and no tobbacco = saving money. I wish I could sopt buying plushes too. It's my resolution for the new year, have a good budget, and I am VERY motivated. I also have friends who support me to this path. I'll spend xmas with Krycek, one of ym best friends. And we'll certainly have a good diner.

So last day of work today, I'm not even bothered to go, contrary to usually. The only bad point of the day is that it's fucking raining, and that there's a wind to unhorn a buffalo. I cleaned up a lot the flat because it started to be nasty; Now I just have the rgular cleaning up to do. Easy. lol Fo now, I haven't been spoilt in gifts, but in friendship, which I value a lot more. I had good words from Fox, he is encouraging. And Krycek is often there. We support each other's.

My file for the change name is nearly ready, and I was accorded the juridictional aid. What is good considering my fiinaces. Let's hope it will work. I'll probably send the whole file next week, and then between four and six months to wait. That's gonna be long, but I don't know, I'm rather confident.

Ok, that's all for now. wish you all a merry xmas, and a happy new year of I don't pass by until then.

Especially to Samantha and Mulder <3

Hello all,

these are difficult time of depression, a bit, not what I knew about a year ago, but I'm not well. The days are shorter and the cold is wrapping us in its close winter. This is where I stand. I have money problems, ayments have been delayed, and I'll have to pay the rent. One of my cats might be sick. She's lost lots of weight and I'm worried. i took an appointment with the vet for a blood test. I hope it will turn okay for her.

I'll see a nurse addictologist on monday. I need help, really, with alcohol, and cigarettes. I f I can fight that, then I'll spend less money too. It's an endless circle sometimes. I feel numb and empty. But I go on with my treatment and will see my psychiatrist again (after one week only instead of two), on tuesday. I'm followed but wonder.

Plus I'm heartborken, because of Romuald, the druggist who had made me a declaration. I still saw him at the drugstore, and he was very kind to  me, and winked t me, smiles, looks. So I wrote hima big letter. And he came back ringing at my door that it couldn't be, because he's got a girlfriend, and because he said he only had tried to help me. Do you say to someone sick you wanna help that you would like to be a sex friend with them? I don't think so.

So Krycek is still often here. And we drink, and we listen to music. Nothing else to do, no want, no will. I still work though but it's a pain. Each time I go with that ball in the stomach. I don't work a lot but I have anguishes about the job. My psychiatrist wonder if for now I'm anything near to be able to work. But what else can I do? I need money.

Yesterday evening I was so tired I went to bed at 8.45pm. And then I wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep for hours. It's always like that these days. Whatever the hour I go to bed, I wake up then and think, and worry. Sometimes I think about suicde, but I won't do it. I have four cats to raise and take care of. I know I have friends. It is just that some days I feel like a zombi.

Dunno what else to say. I hope all readin are in better condistions.

Hello : )


I'm doing a bit better, maybe because I'm on Halloween's holidays. At work it's okay although it's a bit difficult, because as I said before I hadn't been working for a while. I nearly don't drink anymore. I'd like to quit for good because I know myself, and my addictions. I still smoke yet.

As for my spending addictions... Fox told me that he didn't want to see the manslaughter anymore, or I quit spending, or he will put our friendhsip in the balance. Honestly when he told me that I cried, but it may be a ood thing because I really spent too much. I'm settling down on that.

Krycek has been at home for some days now, and it's happening fine. We went once to the pub for a little soiree. Unfortunately, as he wanted to stay to the pub longer, I had to take first the tram... and then walked myself home on several kilometers because it was the end of the service on line C. But nothing bad happened.

I watch  lot of x files lately. It does a lot of good to me, and I watch some episodes with the bonus commentaries, it's good to learn the language too. I listen to a lot of music too, and I re-started to write : ) I made a new friend who is a fan of the x files and Gillian Anderson too, too bad he lives far.

I sent my file for the name change next week. So I'll have certainly, the juridictional aid, and I sent too my firsts attestations of friends. But I need some more. Fox has to give me back hos own, and Flo too. For now I snet three.

See you!

Dana

So it's being better. I just have to stop being so sensitive and emotional and it will be okay.

Hello all...


not a very good period of time for me. I hoped the last time I posted it would be better this time, but it's not. I have been drinking too much for a month or so, and smoking too many cigarettes too. The only good thing is I acknoledge it, and will go to see a specialist to help me solve these addictions problems. I'm very aware now I'm dammaging myself, and that it's not good, and that a little soiree once in a while is a lot different than drinking on more regular basis. At the center where I go, both my therapist and psychiatrits told me I should try to help myself. Ok, but I DO need an external help. So I didn't listen to them and took and appointment with another speiclaist. And also because I spend too much money, which is another problem...

Krycek has gone to his new place now, so he doesn't live at home anymore. there are good sides, like my flat looks bigger, cleaner, and more orderly. But there are bad sides too, all the music, the x files and the discussions we shared have gone with him. I was a bit sad, so yesterday I called a friend and we went to a night club, and of course I drank... But tody no alcohol. Plus it's made me take lots of weight, I'm ugly and I really look like nothing. I was so stressed today that I couldn't eat anything.

At the job, although it's only some hours per day, it's difficult, I'm bored all the time and can't help it. I really really feel like a loser lately.



There are improvments and projects though. I'm trying to organize a scully marathon in bordeaux. To raise funds for NF. I contacted the association, and they invited me to one of their reunion to exopse my project, and they then agreed to help me with it. Also I'm changin name, here it is, after 15 years f being called Dana, I'm gonna make it official. I went to see a lawyer, and she told me that with what I eanr I can have a financial aid. I waited for so long, now I'm doing it. My file is nearly all done, and I have my first attestation saying I've been called Dana for a while. Actually seven people have accepted to help me so far. So I have projects, and I have good friends. And happily I have amazing cats too. They're always here for me, and I hope I love them like they deserve it.


I think it's mainly all the evil I make to myself that makes me feel so down, or my break up too maybe, dunno. It's a mix of it all. So first I'll quit drinking, and smoking, and spending, and I'm sure then I'll already feel better. So here it is, I have a ball in the stomach, anxiety, stress of what I've become, although I know I have all the power to change, and that now I'm doing the right things to "help myself".


I took a bath today, because it does good sometimes, and I'm listening to music, John Mayer actually right now. But I feel so terribly lonely today. I know tomorrow will be another day, that I just have to ear my cross, just today, and then we'll see; I'll have things to do tomorrow. Yeah it will be anther day.

Hello all,

I'm not doing too good lately. First I'm sick, I caught an angina and a bronchitis. So I feel tired all the time. But happily I have a treatment.

I have a treatment for depression too but these days it's hard. I broke up with the guy I thought was my Mulder. Maybe I idealized him too much. I really loved him but it was too diffiult to bear. Indeed the guy is very sick, mentally, and he deosn't realize that everybody around him, family and friends take a lot  on themselves how much he hurts them always talking about his little person. He also did to me affective blackmail. It was too hard for me. I have to think about my mental health too. So all his friends are tying to talk to me about him, but I think I made my decision. I can tell you this relationship dammaged me, and that I'm not ready to be into one again. I think I will need time.

Fortunately, I have good friends to support me, Fox, Krycek and Mulder are here for me, to talk, to help, I appreciate it a lot, and it gives me the need to fight and to be better. Mulder said I can call or email anytime, Krycek talked to me for hours, and Fox proposed me to go out, to the restaurant, the sushi, I love them. I think I don't have really other good friends. I have some buddies but it's not the same. As my family... no comment.

So at my job, I don't really have my head settled for it. I try to do my best but some moments I'm not there. I'm thinking too much again. It's hard for me not to think. I don't like to cause pain to people, but I need a stable life, and a rather stable guy. I drank too much too these last weeks. I had cut on it but came back to it. Since I knew that guy. Each time I came back from Paris I wasnt well. Well why talk about it more it's over... But it hurts.

Here are the news, I hope next time I will be in better health and mood.

Hello all,

I feel very happy lately. I have a new job, I have money, I'm rather healthy though I'm still on therapy and meds, I have wonderful cats, and I still have very good friends, and I have found my Mulder, well I think. Like I said he lives far, but I'm at his place currently. It's the second time I'm visiting him. I go back home tomorrow. It's always too short. I have been very well welcome by his family and friends. Maybe happiness can be real?

Beside that, it's routine, you know, the job, the house, the cleaning, the feeding, the laundry etc... I'm a bit fed up with meds, as it's got side-effects affecting my life at the moment.

Krycek will stay at home for some time more. I'm kind of sick and tired with his health problems because I do everything at home, and I pay mostly for everything. I want him to move to his new flat now, I think it's time.

Well, nothing really new. lol if I can tell that.

I wish you all a good day, and give you much love.

Hello all : )

So many news since the last time. I give the shelter to Krycek who would have been on the street if not. We get on well okay. He doesn't bother me with my independence, and I can also do my stuff on my side. He's found a new flat, and he'll have help from his friends and family to move. But I think he will stay some weeks more.

And great news, I have a job! I will look after two children, and the parents looks to be cool, I have a good feeling, not like the last time I made the mistake to take the job when I had a very bad feeling with the parents. It's not many hours, but to restart to work it will be good. I will go on Friday to meet the children. I have lots of things to do on Friday. Plus I'll have my little fiesta for my birthday that is on Thursday. 31. Wow I feel old lol no no I'm joking.

I still am on therapy and meds, but we're starting to lower the meds, as I've been okay for several months. I have my money, I have a job, I have good friends and healthy cats. And maybe I have found a Mulder, my Mulder I mean. Even though he doesn't live very close. But I'm ready to live that. And to go to visit him at his place.

I will try to quit smoking (again) too. I have an appointment with my therapist today, and I will ask him if I can meet with a tabacologist. I'm doing good, good things happening to me, so I think it's the right moment to quit smoking. For the second time. I hate myself for I restarted some months ago. I had quit for 6 years, pah!

And I might adopt a fourth cat too. I know it makes lots of cats at home, but for now I have four cats here, my three cats plus Krycek's cat, and it's happening okay all together. So I think about it. I'm lookiing. I think Fox will tell me I'm crazy lol

Okay, so that's all for today, I'm gonna have to go now.

I think of you all reading, the day can still be bright <3

Yesterday I couldn't sleep because it was really too hot, so I stayed online and chatted. And then, I didn't want to sleep anymore, so I stayed on the PC. And I had the idea (the bad idea) to browse all the sites I've been to the past year. And there was this site mylife.com. I had registered there already, but hadn't really searched anything, or hadn't found anything. But yesterday I found CC had a profile there. So I paid to see the information. I'm crazy because I don't have much money and I'm already in the red at the bank. But I was burning to know. And I could send a message too, damn I'm really crazy. I so need answers. I'm so curious. lol

I went to search for someone with fire at the bar close to my home. Yes I still smoke, a little... Two neighbors invited me to drinksomething, I said okay, we talked it was cool, and then we went in a bar to drink something more. Of course I didn't drink alcohol. Then one of them stayed there, he was drunk and my close neighbor didn't want to get in his car, me neither. So we walked home. I invited him to take something to drink, as he had invited me, and the guy ended up telling me "I want you"! He tried to touch me, I said no, he stopped, but really what is wrong with guys? All they want is to sleep with me! They don't care who I am, or what I like etc... I'm furious. !!!!!

Hello all : )

As you can see I write more lately, which is good news. Maybe soon I'll restart to write my books, who knows.

Today is a beautiful day. It's very sunny and warm. There will be animation and music this evening in front of my flat, on the square. Today Mulder had a day off the hospital. He passed at his flat to take care of his cat and then came at home to eat. We had a good afternoon. It could have been a perfect afternoon if his cousin hadn't passed by at the square. He was vulgar and very HEAVY. I told him to take care of his own business and also to fuck off. I think he was a bit surprised. But I don't care, I dislike him and told Mulder so. When I asked Mulder to come to take his bags back (in fact I just wanted us to be alone again...), his cousin understood I didn't want him in my flat. What was true.

I'm selling plushes on ebay and leboncoin to make a little money. I need it till I'm out of my money problems in a about two months. Fox helped me a bit, and I'll have to pay him back (when I have my money sure...). Fox will come to eat at home on next Friday. I have a little present to give him too. I'll see my psychiatrist on Tuesday. I quit alcohol about a month ago, and she's very happy about it, just like my liver. Fox is also happy for me, he HATES alcohol. My cats are okay!

Tomorrow I'll go to see Mulder at the hospital. There will be his father too. It will be very hot, I'm talking about the weather here lol

Out of my money problems, that won't last, i'm basically happy. My psys find me stabilized, and it's the year I hope to have my treatment reduced. I'm a bit too much excited because I drank seven coffees today lol But it's better. I eat better, I sleep better, I worry less, I'm less bored, I can be alone and make myself busy, without being too anxious. I like to be single : ) I just miss a job for now.

Here it is for now, to be continued...

Hey all : )

A short message today.

I quit alcohol completely about three weeks ago, and I don't miss it. My mood is better, my sleep is better, I drink water and I lost 3 kg! It was a bet with Mulder, because because he went to the hospital, we used to drink together pretty often, and a lot. So we both don't drink. I think Mulder, then, will drink one glass, once in a while, but I think I will stop definitely.
I quit smoking too. I smoked 5 cigarettes today only, and I feel ready to quit for good too.

I'm a bit in the red at the bank. I will be more at the end of the month. I cracked a little because I had a bit of money. Plushes, clothes, ipod earphone, cigs, hairdresser, and the vet for my cat Truffe: ovariectomy.

I'm having a tea now, chatting a little on the internet, I'm okay : )

Love you all <3

Hello all : )

I'm doing very good lately! I'm still on treatment and in therapy, I see my therapist tomorrow, and my psychiatrist in about a week.

Mulder is still at the hospital and he's doing better. He had a day off the hospital today, so we went in  a bar and had three big coffees! He showed me how to pay only two lol It was fun and funny. I'll probably go to see him tomorrow at the hospital. There will be his father too, he's a great person, very soft and kind.

My financial problems are nearly over. I don't want to say how, but in august/september I will receive lots of money, and I will be out of trouble. Fox helped me a lot financially, and I'm happy I will be able to pay him back. Fox and  I still remain very good friends, and we are getting on well better since we split.

I have my new kitten at home. She is PERFECT! she's adorable, she meows a lot, she purrs a lot. My other cats and her are getting on well and play a lot together.

I have a job interview tomorrow. It's 5 minutes from my flat, 22 hours a week, that would be a good way to restart working after two years of unemployment. Plus it wuold be chilcare. That's a good thing. Keep your fingers crossed!

Romuald passed by again at home. He told me he just wanted me for sex! lol He's still in love with his girlfriend, but he's looking for sex elsewhere! It wasn't for a romantic stuff with me he made me a declaration. So I told him there will be nothing between us. He wanted to remain friends with me, but I don't know. He seems to be so dishonest, and with little loyalty, not my kind of friends. I will probably see him again at the durgstore. Meh! Fox, Mulder and Aurore, my three best friends, think he's a big asshole! LOL I wonder what you think about him Sam ; ) But I don't care, I'm a grown up girl, and I can handle it.

So I'm happy, and I hope everyone reading is happy too : ) Love to all <3

Romuald is my druggist. I've seen him regularly for years now. I've always had a little something for him. We often talked at the drugstore when I was there. Some months ago, when Fox had told me he would take Scully, I had drank beers, and I crossed him on the street. I was crying, and he stopped to talk to me. He was very nice to me. Very soft.

On the over day, I was smoking at the window when I saw him coming from across the square in front of my flat. I was a little surprised to see him here, and we talked like that for a while. He said he would like to see me again, and I showed him that next time he could ring the bell. So he walked to the door and rang the bell. I asked him if he wanted to come inside for a while, and he said yes. So I opened to him and we talked a lot on that evening. He made me an incredible declaration. That I was beautiful, intelligent, attractive, and that he was very afraid to hold me tight because he would straight fall in love. I was a bit uneasy, but I like him very much, so it was quite pleasant actually. Since then I can,t stop thinking about him. I passed at the drugstore twice today, once to give him my phone number (discreetly in an enveloppe), and once to buy doliprane lol Fox was there and then he left me alone there like an idiot lol So I told Fox had a headache.

I can't wait to see him again.

Fox is encouraging me to be patient but to go forward, it's him who told me I should go to the drugstore. I was too shy to do it in the beginning but I took my courage and went. Mulder is a little jealous. Mulder and I talked and we said to each others we were better firends. I'm happy to have two good friend in Fox and Mulder. Mulder on his part told me to be cautious. I AM cautious, I'm TOO cautious, and I miss lots of things. And here I don't want to miss a thing.

I'm not sure what to think, what to believe. I wonder if he's not already in love with me in fact. BUT because there is a but, and a big one, for now, Romuald has a girlfriend, so we are supposed to be just friends. But there is such a chemistry and such tension when we are together. It gives me the butterflies. Too bad I don't have a picture because he's not only cool, soft and smart, he's also good-looking.

I wonder if I'm not falling for him...